Noah Review

Darren Aronofsky has brought you movies about moral downfalls (Requiem For A Dream), a love story about water (The Fountain), and lesbian swans. Now he’s decided to give you a beautifully-directed film about a downfall of water on a morally bankrupt Earth where only straight swans will be saved.


This movie is about a fountain, right?

Russell Crowe stars as Noah in Hollywood’s non-fictional film based on the story of Noah’s Ark.  As a young boy, Noah is about to grab his father’s snake when Tubal-Cain (Ray Winstone) and his men appear. Noah hides as his father sacrifices himself to save him. This experience traumatizes Noah, so he avoids society at all costs for the rest of his life.


He found time to steal John Nash’s wife though.

Now a husband and father with three sons and an adopted mudblood named Ila, Noah goes all A Beautiful Mind. He starts having visions that warn of a future disaster. Noah decides to ask his grandfather Methuselah (Non-Cannibal Anthony Hopkins) for advice, so he is given a Mexican jumping bean. He spreads the seed on a plain, and a forest that would make Dunder Mifflin jealous appears. With the help of fallen angels (Optimus Prime and the Autobots), Noah uses the forest to build the Ark over a decade.


He is the only reason I am. He is all my reasons.

Close to finishing the Ark, Noah now has to deal with the fact that there is only one woman for his three sons. Emma Watson plays adult, infertile Ila who is in love with Noah’s eldest son, Shem. This makes Ham (Logan Lerman), Noah’s second oldest son, very jealous and bitter whenever he’s a Peeping Tom. Ham asks his father to stop cockblocking him and find him a wife before the disaster.


You already had her once. Give someone else a chance. Someone like me.

Throughout the rest of the movie, Noah’s goals are: finish building the Ark, find wives for his children, deal with his wife’s nagging about his lack of compassion, fight people who are trying to steal the Ark, collect two of each species, survive a flood, restart human civilization, and file TPS reports. This movie is flooded with plotlines! The Creator is the type of boss that fires people in their company, and then expects you to do other people’s jobs for the same salary. Didn’t he consider outsourcing at least?

Aronofsky obviously had to take a lot of creative liberties to turn this story into an epic film, and he made his vision a reality. The acting is decent, but it has some moments of greatness in intense scenes. There are decisions that will have you asking yourself if you would do the same as the characters. Would you share like you were taught to do in Kindergarten?

This is essentially the Creator’s reaction to humans.

Whether or not you believe this story, you’ll be entertained for over two hours with gorgeous landscape shots, time lapses, and Hermione’s magic. You’ll see a striking rendition of the First Seven Days. You’ll wonder if PETA is okay with the Ark’s conditions. And you’ll enjoy the battles for survival and control of the Ark. It might not be a must-see film, but you won’t regret watching it.

I give Noah a score of Are You Not Entertained?!?


2 thoughts on “Noah Review

  1. CMrok93

    Good review. Doesn’t always make the smartest-decisions on what it’s trying to do with this thin source-material, but most of it was still pretty interesting.

  2. Nizzleberry

    I enjoyed it! Your design and writing style speaks to the current generation while still providing an analytical and somewhat critical review. I will add Noah to my bucket list.


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