“Pay no attention to what the critics say; no statue has ever been put up to a critic.”
Because if a statue was ever built for a movie critic, this would happen anytime you mention a movie next to it.
I have started this blog to chew bubblegum and inform you whether a movie is worth your time and/or money, and I’m all out of bubblegum.
I have always loved film and film criticism, but, as I’ve matured, I’ve realized that most of us just want to be entertained when we watch a movie. We want to know if we should head to the theater on a Friday night and eat overpriced popcorn while staring at the silver screen. We want to know if a movie is so good that we’ll turn off our cell phones or stop making out with our significant other just to pay more attention. We want to know if we should watch it on Netflix, download it illegally, or just avoid it like the plague.
I’m here to help you make your decision.
From highest to lowest, here is my rating scale:
Get to the Theater/Couch.
I give this rating to a movie that is so much fun that you’ll be glued to the edge of your seat, and your cell phone notifications will pile up while you watch them. Perhaps the drama is so intense and gripping that you will be memorizing your favorite lines and scenes so you can quote them later. This movie may dominate pop culture for a while or for a long time, and hipsters will likely hate it because of that. You’ll probably see serious and ironic costumes of characters from this movie during the next Halloween season. It is for a movie that will have some sort of historical, aesthetical, or cultural impact. Most importantly, it has a good chance of profoundly impacting you.
Get to the theater right away if it’s playing there or to your nearest screen as soon as you can. Sneak into the theater, seduce an usher, become a pirate, or “borrow” your friend’s car or computer. Just watch it.
Almost Left Its Mark
This rating goes to a movie that almost reached must-see status, but it stumbled a few times on banana peels and wasn’t consistently great. It has aspects that are extraordinary and will leave you in awe, but also some ordinary and even absurd parts. It’s a movie that will affect pop culture for a while with some cool lines or scenes. It even deserves to and may win plenty of awards. Definitely fun, entertaining and worth watching, but, like Leonardo DiCaprio at the Oscars, it couldn’t completely leave its mark. Close, but no historical cigar.
Are You Not Entertained?!?!
A rating for a movie that might be average or bad, but is still entertaining on some level(s). A movie you can watch to simply pass the time for a few hours. A movie that will be playing on cable channels in the future, and you won’t mind watching it. A movie that Netflix Instant will actually get within two years after it’s in theaters. It may affect pop culture for some time after their release, but people will quickly move on when the next “big” thing comes along or as soon as they leave the theater. A good movie at times, but mostly average or bad. It is destined to be fun and forgettable like a college one-night stand.
Don’t watch this. Just don’t.